What to do when No One Speaks…

"Although I cannot remember actually being here, this space calls to me & comforts me immensely..."

“Although I cannot remember actually being here, this space calls to me as if I have called it home before in another time and space & it comforts me immensely…”

I am an old-soul

It’s just something I’ve always felt yet wasn’t aware of the why I always felt so different & outdated than the masses dating as far back as I can recall…

With time I have learned that the reason why I have always felt & continue to feel so out-of-place in this world is due to the fact that I’ve been here before and more than once however this go-round I feel very strongly is going to be my last which is why this journey has been so challenging. That and this insatiable drive to pass on as much healing as I possibly can to others before I depart.

I hope my instincts are correct and this is the last go-round as I’m tired & this world we all know now is a splinter of what it once was despite the change of scenery…

Some call this crazy talk, others get it and some don’t care.  To me this is truth.

Having said that tonight is the last evening with our beloved 11-year-old daughter for the first school vacation of this year as we’ve had her here with us both for nearly 10 nights in a row; a record for us since we moved cities.  It’s a complicated story and despite our best efforts to date she resides with her biological mother at this time.

It’s not where she want’s to be nor the healthiest place for her to be at but it appears that regardless of how irresponsible and damaging a bio parent can habitually behave the courts give more value to the uterus that housed a child regardless of what is in the best over-all interest of the child themselves…

I’ve felt so much more relaxed with her here with us verses when she’s not here and this surprised me greatly so as I realized late last night that we were approaching her departure I became so overwhelmed with sadness and longing for her and her energy… As I looked around I noted the drastic change in both her and her father seated nearby…..

Before she has even left I feel the void.

She’s a very old-soul herself and if the truth be told light-years ahead of many humans at least 4 times her chronological age of 11.

As a step-mother which I still don’t understand who came up with the ‘step’ part of this life changing role but whatever; but as one I have zero rights and only so much influence in this unexpected foursome.

I have accepted for the moment the current arrangement and in doing so am consumed with the void she leaves when she’s not here coupled with the fact that she’s already begun to mentally and emotionally prepare for her departure as I see her now withdrawing into herself and becoming solemn verses the 9 days past when she was blissfully happy, playful, carefree, at peace, relaxed, outspoken and present in the moment.

I don’t know how she does it actually; living two life’s… I have an immense amount of respect for her and I get her defense mechanisms.

She’s switching back into her survival mode today versus her thriving mode over the past 9 nights and 10 days…

Tonight as I’m feeling the sadness and despair of all the living creatures within our home equaling 13; 3 humans and 10 beloved creatures also considered soulless animals by the ignorant I am painfully reminded of my empathic gifts.  A blessing & a curse but if given the choice to give it up I wouldn’t for it gives to me the gift of insight and a sense that has helped more than harmed…

The beloved creatures have now shifted in their energy today and all become withdrawn, detached and mute.  From day 1 of her arrival until early this morning as we all woke from what I would later learn would be an unexpected restless eve of slumber for us 3 humans; the creatures have been energized, loving and following her around everywhere she goes waiting for her to sit down so they can descend upon her and drink all that is her beautifully pure energy and affection into them; especially the cats and the cats only love and tolerate less than a handful of their two-legged guardians; her being one of them.

But not today.

Today & tonight 3 of the cats are sleeping on her bed and haven’t left her room much at all today and the 4ths sleeping right above her on top the couch where the earthbound angel is taking a nap below her unknown protector…

As I find myself flooded with the unspoken sorrow & longing within the confines of these walls tonight I understand what it is all about.

Alone in the reality of the situation I turn to my long time friends of days gone by for comfort…

The enchanted spaces which comfort me despite the fact that I’ve not met them within this lifetime… It only takes a glance at them to immediately calm and soothe the raging sea of powerless emotions within me.

"For me.... I am standing inside of the most ancient conservatory looking-out..."

“For me…. I am now in my minds-eye standing inside of the most ancient conservatory looking-out into the comfort of nature and its life-force alive for centuries which calls to me…”

Conservatories & spaces which have been alive for centuries particularly vintage and decrepit ones hold the most sway over me transporting me back to a time when I cannot recall precisely the memories shared with them but the feeling is familiar.

I have learned to trust my feelings & intuition over what I can clearly see… Time has given me this wisdom.

Lately I’ve been craving unlike ever before making my destined conservatory a reality within our own sanctuary as we currently do not have one.

As I found myself overcome with the deep emotions of this evening which the other 2 humans refuse to speak out-loud of even though they are themselves drowning in them I turned to some of my favorite pictures to bring me back into the light lest I slip into the darkness with the rest of them… One person must, if at all possible remain grounded allowing the rest to surrender to the emotions they fight against so much of the time…

 

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