Two men in particular from my past come to mind more often than I like to admit but each time they do I can’t help but laugh & smile to myself oftentimes out-loud at it all now looking back in the rear view mirror that is my life…
For the sake of maintaining their anonymity I shall use their nicknames given to them by two of my friends who despised them both from the start.
They didn’t loathe them because they are men-haters they just saw the dirt bags in their true essence when I was wrapped up in the one thing that could cloud my judgment back in the day: Great readily available Sex
The Scabby Cap was given his name by Al a friend I had made while working in the Modesto outpatient clinic who from the first time she met him disliked him greatly.
She was spot the hell on in dialing in his scabby ways but it took me some time to accept and realize that myself.
I finally did but not until he packed up his stuff and escaped from my house while I was away at work.
As a matter of fact both escapees used the same exit route to run away from me; they planned their escapes while I was at work.
What the hell does that even mean?
I have my suspicions and see it now as a compliment as they both must have feared my wrath in some unknown way.
Looking back now they both did me a huge favor by leaving in more ways than one and one of the ways which gets me to smiling and laughing to myself is that when they left they also left behind some of their most prized possessions in their haste to evacuate before my return home.
It makes me wonder though, why in the hell would a person premeditate a departure and not take all the beloved crap that they love so much at the time they voluntarily left?
At what point did they actually think that by leaving in such a spineless cowardly way they would be able to come back and collect the rest of their junk?
I know right?! That’s exactly what I think. Now…
Oh hell to the no! Actually I was willing to let them both collect their things left behind in their hasty escape but my two besties Al & Dana first gave me a tongue lashing I will never ever forget which snapped me back into the reality of the situation:
That they both sucked and showed their true colors as well as pounds of disrespect to me when they chose to depart the way they did when I had been nothing but honest and forthcoming with them both telling them both that if the day ever came that they didn’t want to hang around to just tell me and I’d be good with it.
Being of the thrifty nature I just couldn’t bear to throw perfectly good stuff away which forced me to use my imagination…
Now back to the boys… Al named The Scabby Cap who was a Capricorn male and Dana or was it Joe; my previous husband as I can’t recall at the moment bestowed Rat Bastard a dreaded Pisces male with his nickname. No it was Dana.
Actually RB had two names: Rat Bastard & Lord Farquaad.
Lord Farquaad from Shrek to be precise.
My God those ears of his. How in the hell I overlooked them as they stuck out inches upon inches from his head anchored to his Ichabod Crane-like neck like a sore thumb I will never understand but I did.
Looks weren’t at the top of my list nor have they really ever been since high school. I learned that invaluable superficial-qualifying lesson early in life. Maybe they should have been but I don’t know.
Oh that’s right; the sex, it was the superior sex which clouded his heinous protruding ears & odd features at the time from my vision.
At any rate both boys were very materialistic creatures who valued material inanimate objects over people and other living creatures.
Which is another reason it blew my mind as to the why they would leave in a haste leaving behind all their beloved items.
Each time I see my husband mowing out gigantic lawns I can’t help but give a shout out to The Scabby Cap for the consolation gift of the lawnmower.
A badass of a lawnmower to be exact that he left behind during his fearful unannounced escape.
It’s been with me for going on 4 years now and has proven to be the gift that keeps on giving. Thank you Scab 😉
Now Rat Bastard left behind some amazing stuff too however I decided to only keep a small portion of it and donate the rest to a worthy cause.
I actually still have the picture of the cardboard sign I made announcing his generous philanthropic gift from him to whomever would like to adopt the collection as we unloaded it all right in front of the dumpster in the Salvation Army parking lot but not before placing the sign neatly atop of it which read: FREE SHIT! Enjoy 🙂 Tried to donate it directly to the Salvation Army but they had already closed shop for the night.
There was a lot of high valued stuff in that donation pile which I’m sure made anyone who drove by it or the slews of homeless people known to frequent the area blissfully happy & not soon forget the day & location where they found it too…
The favorite stereo in our house which has made the cut list every single time, of items making the move of cities & homes we’ve traveled over the years was a parting gift from Rat Bastard as well and both me and my husband can be heard saying out-loud while switching it on to blast some music
“Thank you Rat Bastard!” as we laugh and high-five each other. I believe in the universal powers of gratitude & practice it as often as possible.
And then there’s the most coveted and most used gift to date: The OXO Brand super deluxe can opener which gets used several times a week and its been 3 years now she he left it behind for me.
It was Rat Bastards prize possession. So much so that he even asked for it back; more than once weeks & months after he fled.
I shouldn’t have been surprised by his requests for it back I guess as he also Indian-Gived the new REI snow clothing he’d given to me that I hadn’t even taken the tags off or worn yet as he had arranged an out-of-town snow trip for us yet he managed to pack them all up & take my clothing with him on the day of his escape from Alcatraz.
In the end it all worked out for the best. They both got what they wanted only to request repeatedly to come back afterwards to which their requests were denied.
I find the inanimate objects they decided weren’t important enough to take with them but instead leave behind in their sneaky departures to be much more rewarding now looking back over it all than any of the times we shared together. Time gives that reality check to a person or at least it did to me. Plus at least if the items break they gave me zero drama in the process nor did they run away either.
And my conscious? Well, it’s crystal clear as I still held to my end of the deal: Leave when you want.
I still love & use the hell out of that can-opener; she’s a beauty.