Tonight I have a heavy heart…

2015 hasn’t really started off the way I had envisioned it however when keeping one foot grounded in reality lest I drown in it all as I have lived through much worse years let alone much worst ‘new year’ beginnings…

For the first time since I cannot remember it just hit me today that I rang in this new year diagnosed with major depression.

I don’t have a history of depression nor anxiety or PTSD however I have them all now.

And, they don’t appear to be leaving me anytime soon…

I struggled with putting this out there tonight but found myself overrun with deep feelings of sadness tonight and as I reviewed the Blogging 102 homework which I’ve now printed up and promised myself I would do I also came to terms with the fact that until I got these deep feelings up and out of me my homework would not get done.

I’ve accepted the reality that the majority of my difficulty in transitioning into and staying put in the “acceptance” mode of these recent diagnoses which now that I’m educated on their definitions & functions I admit that I do have is that my entire life I’ve been such a scrapper & remarkably resilient through these 43 years and soon to be supposedly celebrating the start of my 44th.

I know so many have endured much more traumatic events and lived to tell the tale so in addition to all of this knowledge I added the emotion of guilt to my growing list of uncomfortable new emotions & thoughts which plague me incessantly…

I will now purge in writing all this that is weighing on my mind and then get on with my homework for the evening as the creation of my blog has been so therapeutic for me & I will ensure its survival even if I have fallen terribly behind. I am saving all the emails so that when time allows I can still absorb and learn all the amazing knowledge given to me and complimentary at that.

I will also note that we just experienced a full moon in Leo; & Pisces has been unbelievably active in the karmic nodes of destiny as of late not to mention we’re in a Mercury Retrograde; what a banger…

I believe this in large part as to the why my dreams have been so insanely vivid & continue to take me back decades into my past forcing so many people of my past both alive & dead to visit me nightly.

This has disturbed me greatly as I cannot seem to rationalize nor dissect their messages…

I need to understand for if I don’t how will I be able to work through them and lay them to rest?

On a deeper level my gut tells me that I have unfinished business still in need of tending to yet my conscious mind isn’t cooperating as I haven’t been able to imagine nor narrow down what it might be…

Having said all of this ridiculously depressive information

these are the reasons I feel so deeply sad tonight:

Ted.  Ted the magnificent young Toad is still alive & rehabbing nicely however he won’t eat the live food I got him.

Today after much research I made the decision to feed him ourselves & he wasn’t interested. After nearly 25 minutes of me and my husband who was an angel during the entire process we decided to stop as the stress alone it places on Ted can kill him.

Ted wasn’t interested in the live crickets from yesterday so we made him a healthful ‘mash’ and did our best to ‘force’ feed him as in all truthfulness its the same thing a vet would do at this stage of the game only they would have the knowledge and staff to better assist them & Ted wasn’t harmed in the process today.  Except the stress.

The stress it placed him under.  He’s exceptionally strong and vibrant not to mention agile so that was the hardest part of the feeding tonight. Now I worry he’s going to die from our help

I came to terms tonight that I have a choice: I can release Ted back into the area where I know he lives or continue to rehab him and get that damn deep open wound on his back to heal as it’s the only thing preventing me from releasing him now that he’s all re-hydrated and the wounds on his eyes have healed in just the near 48 hours since I found him.

I have a new found respect & admiration for frogs and toads since meeting Ted.

I found myself indescribably sad after our feeding attempt failed.  I found my husband on the couch hours afterwards watching me yet looking away when I’d catch him. When I’d ask him why or what he was thinking he’d respond by shrugging his shoulders saying “Nothing honey; I’m okay…”

Finally after 2 hours or more of this he came clean by saying he just felt really sad about Ted… Sad and helpless because besides Ted not wanting to eat he looks amazing even with his open wound healing on his back which reveals his scapular bone each time he walks and hops for all intents & purposes Ted looks fantastic compared to when I found him lifeless & dehydrated nearly dead in the dirt 2 days ago…

Tonight while we were working together to get some nutrition into Ted, Miguel said out of no where:
“My god his eyes are the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen on an animal….”

How can a tiny creature affect two fellow creatures at least 70 times its own size so deeply?

Tell me! How can it?

I’ve narrowed it down to the spirit

It’s his spirit that is torturing me so…. Ted’s spirit is strong and intact yet that damn wound on his back makes him vulnerable. 

If I release him back into nature, it will take its natural course which I have no way of knowing what it is.

If I keep him with me while he heals he may or not make it based at this point and time solely on the fact that he doesn’t want to eat on his own which under the circumstances isn’t surprising as he’s a wild creature and been thru hell and back however just like humans there comes a time when the one in a position to help another who isn’t at their usual health & vigor must make a decision.


I’m at that crossroads now…

It hit me as I am typing all of this that today was also another milestone for my husband.

He saw his first dead body early this morning…

Not only that he had to handle the lifeless body left behind as the soul departed…

I had assumed in his line of work he’d already experienced this part of the living process but I was wrong; he hadn’t.

He came home a little bit later than usual this morning & shared the experience with me.

As I listened to him I became aware that I’ve become rather desensitized to the process of death in humans.

Negligent death is an entirely different story and experience for me.

Natural death; that’s the area I’ve learned with time to accept and cope with in humans.

I then recalled the first time I lost a patient under my watch.  It was early in my career and I was the nurse who during my initial start of the shift assessment of the patient they crashed.  I followed proper procedures and began the code however the patient didn’t make it. It wasn’t my fault as I had just met the patient for the first time but I had forgotten about the event.

Until this morning that is…

Then the next patient who I lost… He was terminal, suffering terribly and had a do not resuscitate order & comfort measures in place however I could feel his suffering & his pain.  I did everything within my power to make him as comfortable as possible and be at his bedside with him as much as possible but in the end he died alone. 

No family or support.

And just like the first; I found him.

After my second patient crossed over and I took the experience home with me allowing myself to relive it over and over again torturing myself I decided that I would not lose my soul and all that makes me the empathic soulfully in-tuned creature that I am but what I would do is make peace with death; as best I was able and not allow it to interfere with my ability to provide care to all in need; including myself.

And here I am all these years later struggling with a tiny four legged creatures survival which appears to be in my hands and I’m drowning in it the reality of it …

I tend to process & handle adult human death much more healthfully & rationally than I do creatures who are entirely dependent on us for their survival.  I’ve always been this way.

The other stuff bothering me?   Well when I compare it to Ted I’d say it’s trivial so I’d best get on with my homework…



12 thoughts on “Tonight I have a heavy heart…

  1. For what it’s worth, you write wonderfully. I love “head emptying” posts like this, because they give you much more idea of a person than a contrived think piece. Hope you got your homework out of the way 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • So that’s what a “head emptying” post feels like… I realized as I was sitting there completely zoned into my self-induced purge that I didn’t care that the rest of the world became aware of my new fractured state especially so many who have known me my entire life or think they do…

      It was cathartic now looking back and it thoroughly exhausted me to the point of being able to fall fast asleep on the couch verses bed like usual.

      Thank you from the bottom of my soul Jonathan for your supportive and ‘real’ words. It means an awful lot to me. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You do write well, I agree with Jonathan, keep writing, I’m sure it’ll help you. Do you know if there’s a charity animal rescue centre near you, they might help you get Ted to eat?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Steve 😉 I will continue to write and it does help each and everytime… I’ve kept these darker moments of journaling to myself however last night something was different and so it went…

      I will reach out to some wildlife rescues today however my concern is that once they learn of his open wound they may choose euthanize verses rehab but I will see what I can learn as Ted is at the farthest end of the life vs death scale and residing on the side of ‘life’ even as I type this…

      This morning first thing as my feet hit the floor I went and checked on Ted and he’s alive and spunky so we shall see what today brings…. 😉

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Pingback: What I learned about my Blog’s “Stat” feature… | The Art of This n' That

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