Our cat masturbates. There, I said it…

Okay.

So.  I can’t believe the communal support that just washed over me as I typed the title to this post.

I have officially & comfortably left the closet with the knowledge that our 10 year plus neutered feline boy Sylvester sexually satisfies himself multiple times a day.  Alone.  Yes, yes he is self-sufficient.

Of course he’s chosen the pet bed consisting of a pillow & blanket that lies on the floor closest to my office desk where I can be found more times than not as his special place these days but at least he’s not dying or suffering as I previously suspected.

I had every type of disease and dysfunction running amok through my brain up until a few months ago that could possibly be the cause for Syl’s strange behavior.

And now a warning: My beloved fully paid-for, death-before-another-contract, iPhone 4’s camera is crapping out therefor the pics of this story aren’t quite as good as they could be however I refuse to part with it until she completely croaks.

Lastly… I’ve decided to maintain Sylvester’s privacy & not include pictures of him in the act…

Why? Well, Syl’s been living with me for over 10 years. As such he has seen everything I’ve ever done & I’m still not  convinced cats can’t have cameras or take pics despite the fact that he doesn’t have opposable thumbs.

I do feel however that the best and most helpful thing a cat guardian could do would be to put up a short video of their feline in the act as it would have helped me immensely and much earlier in the discovery mode to identify his carnal natural activities…

End of warning.

do cats masturbate?

“Meet Sylvester…
Status post refractory phase as he visited me on the couch afterwards… He not unlike his male human counterparts becomes very loving & affectionate after he’s done.”

It all began 2 years ago while sound asleep in my bed.

I was awoken by pressure & movement at the foot of the bed and directly on top of my feet which were prior to the assault sound asleep along with the rest of my body.

A lot of pressure.  Pressure like “Dear God I can’t move my legs; what in the hell is on them?!!!” sort of pressure…

After several seperate occurrences of this happening and trying futilely to shuffle my legs and feet in bed to relocate the mystery cat away finally forcing myself awake enough to deliriously investigate this new occurrence I discovered Sylvester our 13 pound cat kneading the comforter and my poor legs and feet tucked safely underneath it.

Blindly shooing him off while I sputtered a few obscenities completely unaware at the time of what was truly occurring I would settle off back to sleep only to be assaulted again hours later.  The vicious cycle of interrupted sleep would continue for weeks & months on end…

I became exhausted due to the non-stop nightly interruptions from hell but refused to shut the bedroom door as I must be able to hear what is occurring in the house; no matter what.

Soon I would realize that making contact with him in my attempt to blindly reach out in the pitch darkness to learn of who it was exactly annoying me at the most God awful hours of the night & early morning only served to make matters worse.

Worse I tell you. I’ve learned that getting too close to him during his “special time” seems to invade his personal space as he will wail out in a slightly agitated yet come hither tone…

It’s terribly confusing for us humans sharing a home with him.

Several months later we’d just moved into a new home and I’d be awoken during the same wicked late evening; early morning hours by caterwauling or so I thought, coming from inside our own home yet not in our bedroom.

Of course this would never happen when my husband was home.  Ever. Leading him I’m sure to think I’d lost my mind or was attention seeking.

Delirious & driven with the insatiable need to get to the bottom of this ongoing mystery midnight and beyond ruckus schedule completely out of my control, I’d stumble out of bed, in the dark determined to find exactly which one of our 4 cats was in distress.

Only to be left confused & frustrated after switching on the lights as each time I’d find no one hurt or in distress yet all accounted for as they looked at me as if to say “What in the hell are you doing up woman! Go back to bed!”

Of course like a good mum I’d be worried to death one of them was hung up in something they had no business being in the first place.  Curiosity is a cat’s worst enemy you know…

Sylvester despite his advancing age and size had to date cleared & passed all tests & examinations done by our veterinarian. Stunned us both leaving me still in search of what in the hell was going on with this cat.

He and I would repeat this hit-or-miss pattern until 2 years later when I would finally put two and two together, speak with our vet once again and of course Google his strange behavior.

Because it’s impossible to diagnosis anything without a proper Google search you know.

I feared Syl as we fondly call him, had something dreadfully wrong with him as this new onset behavior was the first time in his then 8+ years with me.

Or so I had witnessed…

For the first 2 years these episodes only occurred late at night and in the wee hours of the morning making identifying the activity impossible as I was always asleep.

The past several months Syl’s graduated into the day light hours and out in the open finally allowing me to crack his cat-code which even concerned our 4 dogs terribly as they would be seen running to his aid each time they would hear him meow out in the alarming tone he does when he’s in the zone…

The pups would sniff him in their concerned state of ears raised and tails wagging as if to say “Hey brother you okay?!!” Sylvester would only further become aggitatedly aroused further confusing us all.

It appears his self-fulfilling, self-sufficient masturbative behavior is quite normal, common and not at all unhealthy as after you finally realize that the startling sounds he makes aren’t due to the fact that he’s in distress or dying but are instead out of a heightened sense of pleasure.

Do I find this disturbing?

At first yes.  And sometimes he still catches me off guard but nothing like before. I’ve grown accustomed now to the difference’s in his meows which has helped immensely.

And then something happened…

It hit me and I had to give the boy due props as he’s uninhibited & knocks one out regardless of whose around making me respect the hell out of him leaving me to admire him really.

Plus he’s really really happy and a loving lil guy even if he does weigh in at over 13 pounds the same as two of our dogs and more than half of what our Chihuahua boy Poopie will ever weigh.

With time I’ve learned his schedule as the past few months I’ve been home full-time unlike before and realize there’s no difference in what he’s doing than what any healthy person does once they tap into the pleasure-dome known as their own body. Only Sylvester is light years ahead of the rest of us Homo sapiens.

He has no fear nor self-shame as he is harming no one yet getting his needs met.

My cat loves me and I don't know why

“Sylvester waiting patiently for my return as I enjoy a smoke break on the back patio & write this post on my phone status-post self-fufillment…”

However if the truth be told, I wouldn’t be offended if Syl one day chose to share his uninvited man-foot-love paying some attention to my husbands feet while asleep or otherwise like he does does to me.

But so far 3 years later his father has managed to dodge that bullet.

My legs and feet don’t count as he’s since traded them in this year for a second doggie bed which used to be one of the pups favorite beds yet now none of the dogs will even touch it wanting nothing to do with it as somehow they seem to know its his.

A few months ago his father was home during one of Syl’s sessions and finally got to witness for himself during broad daylight what I had been reporting to him for the past few years. It appears Syl is now comfortable cranking one out in front of ol’ Dad too.  Lucky man.

Sylvester sleeping behind me

“Syl…. Followed me back to the couch after waiting for me by the back door tonight allowing me to finish my smoke-break & finally fell asleep… Directly behind my head…”

It appears I’ve not gone mad after all 😉

Actually his father & I can be found several times daily as we become aware of his activity saying things like “Syl’s cranking one out again….”

Sylvester’s blankies & special places?  Well they get laundered once a week whether they need it or not.

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